3 thoughts on “Depression

  1. Until you have it or experience it, you’ll never be able to understand it. I thought that I’m strong, and I was judging the people with this sickness a lot in the past. Until I had it in every single cell from my mind and made me see everything with other eyes. Depression is fear! The worst that you can possibly imagine. Fear of losing, fear of not being enough, fear of being alone, fear of talking about your feelings, fear of not knowing what will happen, fear of disappointment, fear of being yourself.
    It’s just one click difference from normality to something that change you forever. Is changing your relationships, your behaviour, your lifestyle, your health, your view and everything that you thought you know about. I had 4 episodes until now and I’m sharing how I handle with hoping that for someone will make a difference.
    First episod( 27 years) happened when I found out that I have thyroid cancer. Second one,( 29 years) came when my husband was cheating on me for the first time in 10 years. Third, (33 years) when I divorced after 14 years of relation, and the last one (36 years)when I almost lost my mom being sick of cancer. So I understood that it’s all about negative emotions, who transform themselves into fears. And that fears are going to make you so sick that you can barely see the light from the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t sleep or eat normal, I didn’t care about how I am looking, I isolated myself from everything and everyone. Things that before were bringing me pleasure were annoying me so badly while I was suffering. I didn’t reply to anyone on their texts or calls, I didn’t like to clean the house or to care about the order of things. I hated any noise or strong light. I had different “hobbies”, to cry, to blame myself, to be angry, upset and negative. I start to lose weight, my dark circles under the eyes were more and more deep, I was exhausted and without energy for taking a normal glass of water. I wanted to die so badly, and this thought was so profound that became part of my routine, thinking how to kill myself and end it once for all. I took pills, I hanged my neck, I tried to cut my veins… but each time I couldn’t finish it, each time I had my family image in my mind and still my reason of being alive. And after each time of trying to give up, I was more disappointed and more depressed. I spoke with some therapist, had some medication but the only salvation standing right in my hand was always my faith. I know it’s funny, weird, unbelievable, name it as you want…but this is what helped me and made me finally back to normal again and again. I started to pray being ashame for trying to take my life. Each day I started to feel better. After months I didn’t believe that I’m good and after years, I love to live.
    I prayed for forgiveness, for health, for giving me power to handle with my situation, for cleaning my nights from my days, for giving me reasons to survive from my fears, for hopes, for being a better person, for helping me to complete my dreams. When I thought that I’m so lonely and nobody cares, there was always someone for me and I don’t know how but He found a way of escaping for me too and I’m grateful.
    I didn’t even know how to pray and what to say or ask. So I was just speaking alone and complaining and describing my feelings. From longs monologues I started to feel better and slowly slowly to know how to not keep inside all the pain and that I am so egoist to complain about my problems and life comparing with others. The most important is to forgive yourself for whatever reason is keeping you locked from living your life.
    I discovered that I am a very sensitive, emotional person and I have to live with everything that it’s happening in my life because is not coming from nowhere and without a reason. I’m 38 this year, I moved from my country, I met a good man and I accept that I have to take care of what I want because I can not have everything. Im still praying…and I hope if you ever feel what I described, that you’ll find a way as I did for not giving up.

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    • Thank you for sharing. I too had my fight with depression and still fighting it some days. You learn to accept things that has happened to you and you can’t change. I went into brain surgery for my second stent. Then had bleeding on the brain(stroke)
      Coma and when I came out, unable to walk or talk. I didn’t know what happened but I accept now after a rough patch

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      • I’m sorry for that and I can imagine what impact had for you. Take it as a test. You just proved yourself how strong you are and that you should live your life from a different perspective. Hope you are well now. Wish you all the best!

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